We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
