nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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