You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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