i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
