Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
