i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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