That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
