they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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