I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
