Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
