it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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