Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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