Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
