He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
