I accidentally had phone sex last night
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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