you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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