Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
