the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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