Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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