I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
