Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
