So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
