is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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