somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
