Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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