My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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