i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
