Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
