I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
