I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
high people should be assigned attendants
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
