i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
