did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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