Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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