onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
