Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
