I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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