So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
