So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
