My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
