This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
