I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
