he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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