Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
