No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
