Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
