i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
