everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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