There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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