I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sobbing to NWA
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
