Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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